*New York Menu to a Vermonter

I. Genesis:

The Belly of the Beast: archival quality, yellow-belly tuna carved with a sashimi knife, hand-forged of alternating layers of ginger leaf and carbon steel served on bamboo.

Big Apple Salad – A curated mélange of wild greens, hand-plucked in Prospect Park by New York’s own native peoples, tossed with a New York harbor mollusk vinaigrette.

How Sweet it is !: A humane harvest of farm life sweetmeats cured in a palliative of Lapsang tea leaves and pan-fried with sake lees.

One-world Capresi – Mary Cassatt heirloom tomatoes interwoven with mozzarella made from Belgian lop-eared rabbit’s milk and Thai sacred basil leaves.

Euelle’s Own : Hearts of cattail harvested from the marshes of Bayonne by families in the Federal Witness Protection Program living on the land there.

Bangers and Mash: Kosher saucissons anglais with pommes frites Jet Bleu

Laura Ashley veal jello Bronté, garnished with sprigs of heath

II. The Creation(s)

High velocity tornadoes of lactating venison (not Bambi!) broiled in sans souci sauce served on a fainting couch of hand-mashed Bill Blass potatoes

Hook-sought Chilean red snapper pan-seared in livid Cajun spices on a bayou baguette.

An aggressive tranche of Baffin Island char, slow-smoked over dried caribou dung and served with a glazed look.

Doe-eyed veal chops poached in a clobbered cream vodka douche, served with pre-natal beets and free-range carrots.

“Dirth of activity” boneless fried chicken, a perennial favorite “comfort food” prepared lovingly by chef Cul de Sack for our seniors, served with denture-safe creamed spinach lipitor

III. Apocalypse

Gateau triomphale anorex: made without butter, sugar, flour or chocolate. Have your cake and eat it too! Stands six inches high and served with two spoons.

Fruits de mere, a mélange of fruits your (rotund mother wishes she ate instead of the molded green jello with mandarin oranges and mini-marshmallows!) macerated in Montbazillac.

Goat’s Gruff: A panoply of chèvres extruded en bloc from goats around the world served with sliced comice pear and flambéd with gaz diesel Elf

Pomme au four: a baked heritage apple adopted and raised in Vermont, glazed with Aunt Jemina’s maple syrup, drawn and quartered to enhance presentation

Le Canadien errant: a slice of pain perdu (French toast) slathered with pork fat and sprinkled with turbinado sugar – not for the faint of heart – literally!

IV. Our sommelier’s rêve humide:

Vin Vichy – a sullen “gros rouge” from the south of France, favored by Maurice Chevalier, collaborates easily with an aggressive meal.

Downunder – a piquant Tasmanian pinot blessed with the pollen of nearby Glaxo Welcome opium poppies

Pinochet Pinot – a Chilean headbanger, rich in tannins, oppressively conservative, yet palatable to most Americans.

Vinho verde – the national wine of Portugal, light, elegant and dirt cheap – a sidelong glance of a wine

Martha’s chard – a Martha Stewart chardonnay selection, wingeing, oppressively sweet with heavy “legs.”

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