“Your children are not your children” Kahlil Gibran
United Church of Hinesburg
Kahlil Gibran 1883 – 1931, The Prophet
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
* * *
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
This can be a hard message for many parents today, especially those who need their children emotionally. Our children need us as they grow, but it’s not for us to need them.
Like all species, some, if not all, of us humans have chosen to perpetuate the human race. Our task is to raise resilient, independent children and young people to carry on the species. To do so, we must give them the tools to be independent of us, to persist if not thrive, and we must teach them the ethical and spiritual values to make their emerging world a better place. And we do this by example, not doctrine, aware that our children will be who we are, not who we tell them to be.
When we develop an emotional dependency on our own children, however, we hobble them by reversing the traditional parent-child role. When our children feel obligated to parent insecure parents, their purpose in our world is undermined along with their emotional independence. I experienced this as a child and learned from it.
I’ve seen this in families where one parent or the other has an addictive disorder or struggles with feelings of inadequacy. The parent turns to the child for nurturing. Furthermore, we know that in contentious divorces where the parents compete to enlist the sympathies of their children, those children often blame themselves for their parents’ decision to separate.
Another tendency with some parents is often expressed as “empty-nest syndrome,” where the parent grieves instead of celebrating the fledging of their child into the larger world.
“You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”
I’ve heard many parents complain about their tween or teen children pushing them away and rejecting, not necessarily their authority but their emotional intimacy and advice. As hard as it may be to hear, this is the child doing their evolutionary job. They’re walking off to their independence in the greater world. When the parent clings to their emerging adult child, the intuitive job of the child is to push back and away. Parents have the right to impose home rules over behavior but not over thoughts and feelings. This is generally misunderstood and painful to the parent, who assumes their child is misbehaving. But there’s a difference between misbehavior and a child trying to fledge naturally into the greater world by evolving their own inner being.
“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
I’ve had this discussion with parents and educators. I have myself been both.
In recent discussions with two principals about this issue, I was saddened to see an emerging culture in public education that tries to further what they call “self-esteem” in every student. Self-esteem is not a high school course. Self-esteem derives from a young person’s independent self-actualization and recognition of their own accomplishments.
In my own childhood in Morrisville, my public school teachers were for the most part elderly women. They didn’t try to boost my “self-esteem.” They cared that I was learning the requisite skills and expanding my sense of a greater world. They treated me with respect and never humiliated me. But neither did they try to make me feel good.
When one superintendent asked for an example of self-esteem. I told him of the Fourth of July parade every year in town. It was the most popular community event. When the 4 H kids marched through Morrisville and the crowd saw a 10-year-old girl with her arm in the air through the nose-ring of an 1800-pound oxen she’d raised from birth, the whole town exploded with cheers for her. That is what we all can agree is true “self-esteem,”… and it’s not something one can teach in school.
I also remembered when I took my two older boys to the Shelburne Pet Fair with their gnarly billy goat Otis in the back of a pickup. Otis won a blue ribbon for “best goat” (which he wasn’t). On the way home, my younger son asked, “Dad, how come every pet there won a blue ribbon as “Best Pet.” Which one really was best?” I had no answer.
Gibran’s message in “The Prophet” commands our attention and understanding. It celebrates and defines our role as parents, but it also celebrates the roles of our children in our lives and the lives of future generations.
Our job is to raise the world’s future beings, not to try to mold them in our imperfect image, as the very nature of humankind is imperfect. We must try our best to perpetuate sound skills and ethical values but not our own imperfections.
Our children will find their own way if we give them the space to do so.
Thank you
